1. Past Present
Today is the 9th anniversary of setting up my first altar and making my first attempt to talk to a god, and I’ve been thinking about nodal oppositions recently, because of the eclipses.
It takes about 18 and a half years for the eclipses to move all the way around the zodiac, so if you’re paying attention to this from an astrological perspective, and want to know what kinds of things in your life might be affected by the eclipse, the standard advice is to look back about 19 years and see what was going on then. Of course, what zodiac sign, and house in your chart is affected, is also important (and, too, that the event or change may not be a Big Obvious Thing the exact day of the eclipse; the change may play out more slowly over the next 6 months).
And halfway through that cycle is about 9 years, when the north node will be where the south node was 9 years previously, and vice versa.
It’s been on my mind because 9 years was when I stepped onto this path of . . . whatever it is . . . though as of yet I’m not sure what any of the eclipses might have had to do with things back then (the current cycle is in Gemini and Sagittarius, which are my 6th and 12th houses – it is true that 19 years ago, I was having some things going on that were 6th and 12 house topics and BOY IS THAT ACTIVE AGAIN NOW, but 9 years ago, it’s not so clearcut).
I’ve also been thinking about current astrological transits because a year ago there were a few that were significant, including some action in Gemini.
Venus went retrograde in Gemini, which it had done 8 years previous. What stuck out to me when listening to astrology podcasts was that when Venus goes retrograde, and you want to know what that might mean for you, think about Venus sorts of things that were happening 8 years ago, because you’ll probably be revisiting that during the current retrograde. So, topics related to whatever house Venus is transiting, or just Venus things in general, like relationships.
And there were some eclipses last June. Notably, there was a solar eclipse on June 21st, in Cancer, which is also my seventh house (relationships of the “very close partner” kind).
In the weeks leading up to those events, I looked at their placements in my chart, and my life, and what had been going on 8 years earlier, and said “Oh no, oh no you don’t!” because what major relationship did I still have going that had also been going 8 years before? Just one. And I did not want any kind of major shake-up there!
I told myself, “You are probably worrying over nothing,” because often I do! I see potential for worst-case scenarios, and worry! And then nothing happens. Or something happens, but it’s pretty minor.
To the best of my recollection, nothing major happened last June 21st, or during Venus’ retrograde period.
I was studying astrology pretty heavily, and also working pretty intensely on the Quareia course. I was reading ahead in the books, because I was extremely curious about the whole process (as much as one can learn from simply reading it …) and I felt a little weirdly obsessed and “pushed” to keep on with it, like some of the Powers That Be were gently encouraging me to do that.
I finished up one evening in early July, and felt like I’d just finished something very potent, and was even more excited to keep going with it.
The instant I woke up the next morning, I knew where it is taking me, in the long run. Not in details, just one thing. One thing, awful and immense, but also, something I never knew I wanted so much until I had time to let it sink in. It was (is) a pretty heavy thing. It’s good, something to look forward to, and bittersweet, and I’ll probably be wrestling with it for the rest of my life.
I was also aware of Loki’s presence – somewhat unusual, he’d become pretty absent for the previous 18 months – and he said something to me about how heavy a thing this was. Yes, yes it is, and I got up and tried to get on with my day as normally as possible, though I immediately started wondering how was this going to affect, or intersect with, the vows I’d made to Loki? Or, really, just one long-term sort of bit in particular.
See, at least one place in the Quareia books, it states that magicians do not make oaths to gods, unless it’s for a very specific, limited sort of service or a very limited time. “What if a magician has made an, um, not-limited sort of oath before getting here,” I wondered, uncomfortably. “Oh well, if it ever becomes a problem, I’m sure I’ll know!” And I worried about it from time to time, but it didn’t seem like something I should bother asking about, and I wasn’t sure I wanted an answer anyway.
After breakfast I sat down to do my usual morning meditation and as usual my mind was full of wandering thoughts.
“How is this long-term trajectory going to work out with my vows,” for example.
And Loki very quietly said he was releasing me from my oath.
I tried to keep my focus, and tell myself I didn’t really hear that, I was just talking to myself, focus on the meditation, he didn’t, oh yes he did, oh no, no, not really? . . . and then I figured I ought to really confront the whole awful message and gave up on trying to meditate.
He said it was necessary, and I needed to be “free,” and some other things about changes in the relationship. Find a new way of doing things, something like that. I was reminded of a vision he’d shown me in 2013, a depiction of his expectation/plans for how the relationship was going to go. At the time, I had thought it was relevant to the changes going on in the relationship at that time, and sure enough, in the next couple weeks, things went along the lines shown in that sequence. Funny thing: the end part of that vision – chains fallen away, then standing side by side, hand in hand – also seemed entirely relevant to this whole oath-releasing, “change in how we relate,” conversation.
It was extremely upsetting, to say the least, though if the relationship hadn’t gotten much more chill and quiet over the previous 18 months, it would have been much harder, which makes me pretty fucking certain that the “stop doing devotional work” thing was not solely about me needing to turn my time and attention towards C., who was newly arrived in my life.
So my “bad feeling” about the astrology, it was right, there was something coming. A worst-case scenario, in fact, but also – not.
He didn’t leave. Things haven’t changed much from where they were before. He’s still around as much (as little) as he had been since the “no more devotions!!” deal.
I’m still pissed off about it. Cranky, anyway. It’s done my head in a bit when I think “Ok but what does this make this relationship, then?!?!?!” despite the fact that I have relationships with other entities that feel right being called “marriage” and there were never any oaths with those even to start.
I miss him – and I don’t. I’ve been “alone” in my head more in the last year than I had been since this whole thing got started (C. has also stepped back almost entirely at this point; when I actually need/want to talk, I get a response, but).
It’s fine. It’s ok. It’s good, I guess? (I hate to say it’s good.) I miss them, but it is good that I don’t need that near-constant contact any more.
Anyway, I’m watching the transits in Gemini, especially the damn eclipses, and wondering if/when there’s going to be another well-timed upset carrying on this theme.
Of course I knew things wouldn’t stay the same forever. Relationships don’t, period, and every post I’d ever read from people with 5, 10, 20 years devoted to a god (including lots of other godspouses) talked about how their relationships had been through at least one major upheaval, often as the deity in question decided it was time for that. And people’s needs change, and if part of the god’s intentions are to support you, then as your needs change, the relationship may, too. And, of course, it’s silly to expect a deity like Loki to leave things the samey-same, comfortable and routine, forever.
Most of the big upsets I’d heard about others going through were the kind that comes when the god pushes you into a very different devotional routine, or shows up in an aspect they haven’t used much before and says “This is the me you get now,” or even “Ah, sorry honey, but I’m actually Other God from Completely Other Pantheon.”
I’ve known of one or two instances of someone having a marriage ended faster than expected, and then realizing their experiences really never had quite “fit the mold,” but I haven’t heard any mention of anything like what I got.
For years I’d also felt like – hmm, how to put this – I really wasn’t cut out for the devotional life, even in that relationship, and there were ways in which it seemed like I really was not being directed into the kind of mystical focus on one god that so many have written about. I loved doing it – and sometimes I still look at some of the things that are no longer to be used, and get quite mad about it. It was comforting, I was happy to do it, I loved the regular contact, and it took weeks for him (patiently) to get me to (angrily) stop it all. But for years, I also felt like something about that wasn’t me – like, I simply cannot be focused like that on someone else, no matter how intensely I love them or enjoy it and don’t consider it a burden, and then I’d feel like I was hopelessly selfish and unfit for any kind of relationship at all, which I knew was an entirely ridiculous conclusion but it was always there. (I guess it’s similar to seeing how I just don’t fit into polytheist monastic groups, despite being solitary and hermit-like; that kind of lifestyle is very much not mine.)
I don’t know where I’m going with this; I had some excellent thoughts but they escaped before I could get them down in print. Which seems appropriate, actually, because I don’t know where I’m going with this, either.
I suppose I never quite did, since I have been very surprised by the changes over the last couple years, but it’s quite ironic to feel even more “IDK WTF” now than I did the first several years.
I believe he’ll be there when I need him, and sometimes just because, but other than that?
I suppose that’s (rudely) appropriate, though, considering.