First it was writing on a Serious Blogging Platform and now this. (Well, first was actually, uh – a list of other things, which might start with “believing in gods” and goes on.)
I wasn’t going to write anything about having sex with Loki. Or spirit sex at all. Other than to say, “It happens,” if/when that seemed appropriate, and post some links to writing from people who actually know what they are talking about.
dAMMIT. I wasn’t. For a lot of reasons.
Then I read this post.
And I had some kind of lengthy comments to add. But 1) WordPress refused to give me a reasonably sized, expanding comment box, so writing more than 1 sentence was an appalling experience and 2) I realized I had enough to say that maybe it would be impolite to fill up the comments on the original post. But mostly 1).
Dammit WordPress. I know, I could just not hit publish, but I come down to thinking that having a wider range of experience out there might be useful to someone. Gods know I’ve found what little is out there useful. And I’m not ashamed of any of it, and I have my whole life ahead of me to regret writing this, so.
Sex with non-corporeal entities! Or: What I Did Last Summer. And last fall. And . . .
Some folks in the comments there say this is not “beginner” stuff. Ah, well, er, ha ha, I didn’t know that until now. And I regret nothing.
Beginner stuff or not clearly sometimes this does happen early in a relationship, REALLY REALLY EARLY. Maybe whether it’s “beginner worship” partially depends on what your experience pre-deity-in-your-life has been? I don’t know, I’m new to all this, I don’t know what the rules are, let alone how variable the exceptions to the rules are. However: I’m in my late 30’s, and I have many years of experience with sexual relationships. Not amazingly diverse experience, but enough to be reasonably comfortable with it. So maybe this meant I could start off in a more advanced class – or maybe I got fast-tracked in this and other ways as a way of making up for lost time (see also: my age).
I feel like I got thrown into the deep end fast. Though the better metaphor is that it was more like being hauled into a broom closet. You know, you’ve been eying that hot person at the party all evening, and you think maybe they’ve been eying you, and then you run into them in the hallway, and your eyes lock and suddenly somehow there you are in the closet together and you’re really glad it locks from the inside and that the party is really loud. Except this felt, on some level, not like meeting a new person and hitting it off instantly, but more like a reunion.
I went gladly, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t dragged into the closet against my will, but . . . well. I was still in the process of acknowledging He was even real, that anything I’d experienced was Actual Real Contact with a god.
Some context: I am certain that it was His doing that turned my sex drive back on, and to “High,” maybe a couple weeks before I started getting bugged to reach out to Him. I remember the exact moment. I was looking at some specific pictures and suddenly WHAM, this jolt of energy from my chest to my crotch, and I went from months of “sex drive may be dead” to pretty much climbing the walls. (The energy jolt was something I’ve felt periodically in the past, always in the context of seeing someone I was really turned on by. I was a little surprised by this context, though.)
So after I set up an altar and was continuing to obsessively read All The Loki Things, I read something that mentioned it’s not unusual for Him to make passes at people, and I thought, “And I would say yes. Er. I mean. Maybe I shouldn’t say yes immediately? I wouldn’t if a new human made a pass at me. Flirting first could be fun, though. I guess. Not that I have any idea how that would even -work- . . . Okay just why would I bother flirting first? Oh, this is what it’s like having a libido again.”
Less than 2 weeks after I set up the altar, I wrote Him a short letter that laid out some of my questions about the whole business, like should I even be doing this? And expressed my confusion about why He’d want anything from me, but I restated how fond I’d always been of Him, even when I thought He was just a myth, and regardless of if I ever heard from Him, that wouldn’t change.
And then. My freaking music collection. Which for some reason I felt like I should keep hitting “randomize” on. For hours, every. single. song. answered. my. questions. And the basic message seemed to be: “You’re Mine, I want you, you’ve been away and I miss you, I really hope you want Me, too. Yes, this looks scary, but keep going, it will be okay.” And I knew He was talking to me, and I had never felt so loved, and yet part of me was just not quite willing to believe. This -could- have all been random, right? What the fuck did I know, a month ago I was an agnostic! . . . I sound like a crazy person, but this all feels so right.
A few days later I was poring over the songs again, trying to see if I could pick out additional meaning, really understand what was going on, because it was bugging me. A lot. And boiled down to the essentials, it was really, really clear: Mine Mine Mine I want you don’t worry it’s not scary I hope you want Me too please say yes. And I felt this awful, angsty feeling, that He didn’t know and He needed a response. I thought I had already explained myself, but no, I had to answer.
So I said, to the air, “Of course I want You!” and, really unnerved and expecting no answer at all, “What do You want with me???”
And I got that same electric jolt. Twice. That answer seemed pretty clear. It nearly knocked me out of my chair, and I thought, “OKAY THEN” and “I had better lie down and go with it before I pitch over sideways and take the chair with me, and wow that would be awkward.” The energetics didn’t stop for a while and eventually I got a little more actively involved myself. It seemed appropriate at the time. Again, this was only 2 weeks after I set up my first altar and awkwardly said things out loud to the air for the first time.
I was really confused after the fact. Did that really happen? Well obviously something happened, I sure had a good time even if it was just me, but was that really Him? . . . And yeah I know He’s got a reputation for making passes at people, yeah I know He’s apparently married to some mortals, but this still feels . . . awkward. Inappropriate. To have these kinds of feelings for a god. Like fantasizing over a celebrity or something. Worse.
Not too long after that, I read Del’s post on God Sex. I read the comments. I stopped feeling weird and wrong for my feelings. I got ideas.
It wasn’t just that my sex drive had been cranked up to High that was behind my first premeditated offering of that kind. It was that I felt really, really good, in every way. Since I’d had the “these are my gods” realization about a month earlier, since I’d started just trying to talk to Loki, I’d had this incredible feeling of – of joy of being alive, and happiness, that I hadn’t felt in years. After what had been several rough years, the previous two particularly bleak, I felt like I had my heart back. And I felt physically good in ways that went beyond the return of my sex drive. Like – touching my arms was just amazingly nice.
I felt like I had been given this incredible gift, to know this kind of joy, and it would be a waste to have all these good feelings and not do something with them – partly because hey, they were there, I should have some fun with them, and partly out of a sense of gratitude. I shouldn’t ignore it just because I felt awkward feeling myself up while saying, “Uh . . . so . . . This is for You.” I figured at least I would have a good time.
I got feedback a while later that let me know my offering had been well received, and things proceeded from there.
That was how things all started, and once I got over those initial concerns about it being “inappropriate,” it’s been pretty smooth sailing on that front.
What has happened since then has been interesting in a lot of different ways, both in terms of how these interactions take place, what their purposes are, and what I have been learning through them.
I’m queer – pansexual is probably the most apt term – though I usually feel more strongly sexually attracted to people I perceive as male. And usually Loki appears male. But I’ve seen Loki female, too. And sometimes not female or male but both, or first one then the other. Or not human. Given that Loki is a god, a spirit not bound to a physical body, and a notorious shapeshifter, none of this strikes me as particularly weird. (Other than that everything about dealing with spirits is very, very weird, but anyway.)
While I am cisgendered, I don’t always visualize myself female (or human). I don’t astral project; all the visuals are more er, just in my head, I guess. All the action seems to happen here on this plane. Regardless, there’s variability in what Loki presents, and I respond by visualizing myself and my actions however seems to best fit the situation. All the sensations I actually get, I would class as “energetic,” at least in terms of what I feel from Him.
I’ve known for years that I react, emotionally and sexually, in somewhat different ways depending on how I perceive my partner’s gender. Not just whether they seem male or female, but what kind of masculinity or femininity or androgyny or genderqueerness or . . . whatever gender they are, and so some of these experiences with Loki have been really, really profound emotionally. Some of my fundamental feelings for Loki-as-female are just not the same as they are for Loki-as-male. Especially the first time. Her mannerisms, Her attitude, Her whole everything felt completely different from His, though I know some of that is also my own brain wiring, how I perceive and react to variations in gender presentation. It also gave me a tiny bit of understanding of some different aspects of Loki, too, some very different from what I usually interact with.
Another of the things I’ve found interesting about this kind of energetic connection/activity is the way that even a little of it seems to help in pulling me into a deeper kind of altered state, which makes it easier for me to ‘hear’ Loki – or maybe more accurately, pick up on words He’s (or She’s) putting into my head. He’s also more strongly present during this kind of energy exchange than when I’m just going about my day and I can tell He’s around, and that is also an important factor in how well I can hear Him. (Duh, right? If you’re having a conversation with someone who isn’t paying strong attention to you, it’s not going to be as in-depth as if they’ve got more focus on you, whether that’s another mortal or some non-corporeal Person.) I’ve read about other people who use sexual activity – solo or partnered – as a way to get into trance states, to journey, etc., so I suppose it’s not at all odd that this kind of energy helps improve my signal clarity.
So while sometimes it seems pretty clear that “because it’s fun” is the reason for interacting in an overtly sexual manner, it also helps with communication. And it’s usually serious communication, not sweet nothings in my ear, and sometimes what He brings up has been downright disturbing or creepy. So, not wildly different from when I communicate with Him in situations where there are no sexy vibes going.
And I think that’s all I have to say about that. “All,” ha.
Now I don’t need to worry about whether I’ll write about the topic.
OH HEY. If anyone wants some juicy juicy academic writing on a related topic, I highly recommend Marrying Jesus: Brides and the Bridegroom in Medieval Women’s Literature. (It’s a dissertation but it’s extremely readable and totally fascinating in lots of ways, and I’d recommend it to anyone interested in how mystic, spousal relationships with deities have been perceived and described in the past, within a specific cultural and religious context. Or if you are looking for writing about how women’s writing – especially mystic writing – has been suppressed over the centuries. And I’m stopping now before I write a whole post within a post. Actually I’d recommend this to anyone active in pagan communities, period, for some of the commentary about the dynamics in convents. Humans being human, some things never change.)