A year ago yesterday, I stepped out the back door with a candle in my pocket, and a strawberry and a shot of gin for offerings; I’d decided I needed an answer to the nagging question of patronage, so I was going to have a go at asking, and see what, if anything, happened.
I knew that just by doing these simple things, I was irrevocably changing my life, my perspective on the world, even if I never got any kind of response.
I sat there rehearsing my words for at least 15 minutes, and I felt . . . something. At first I thought I was getting lightheaded from nerves, but realized that no, that wasn’t it. It felt like reality shifted around me, but I didn’t know what else to call it. (These days I would say that was Presence.)
Last year at this time, I had set my mind on moving away from the house I lived in with my significant other; I was looking at cities in the same region, because I didn’t want to move too far from either him or my other SO. I was vehemently opposed to the notion of ever getting married or committing to just one person. I had plans for where my career was going – in fact, my intended move was focused on finding work in that field.
Things didn’t exactly go as I planned or expected.
I was hoping for some kind of change in my life, in particular with moving somewhere less stressful, but if I had had any notion of how much would change – end in some cases – well, I don’t think I’d have done anything differently, but I would have been less thrilled to be reaching out.
I’m on the other side of the country now; both mortal relationships ended. I’ve committed to having only one Partner . . . and Him I did give a marriage oath to (not that it came easily). And after over a decade working towards one particular career, I have gritted my teeth, freaked out a bit, and put that aside in favor of a different path.
I have also never been happier with my life.
Yesterday, to mark the occasion, express my gratitude, and celebrate (because I like marking anniversaries), I baked Loki a cake. It has an egregious quantity of buttercream frosting, and the filling is strawberries.