Circular Reasoning

There’s this teaching technique I have experienced at Loki’s er, hands, that I have a hard time describing in simple terms, but I often think about it as being led down what seems like a twisty-windy path only to wind up right back where I started, only a lot smarter and, now, this time, sure that where I was/am IS the right place.

As an example, He proposed to me for months and months, starting very early in what was clearly a non-platonic relationship, in ways that perhaps should have been COMPLETELY OBVIOUS, but which I remained fervently in denial of until after I became convinced that what He -actually- wanted was for me to just be His student.

Of course, He also does want me to be a student, but it was only after I got comfortable with committing to the “just a student” role that I was finally able to believe, and accept, what He’d been asking all along.

See, I had a huge amount of baggage over the notions of marriage, romantic commitments, being a “wife” – especially to Someone who is usually perceived as male – and a variety of different trust issues. He hit me in the head pretty hard over several of those hangups; others I kind of had to come at myself, and get over, and admit to, before I could believe what was going on – and especially, before I could believe and accept that I actually did want this kind of relationship.

But I’d never have gotten to the point where I could calmly and casually say, “Yes, of course,” if I hadn’t first become convinced that it might never happen.

This spring He set up another similar situation, letting me believe a certain bunch of things were true about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life, what I was supposed to be doing for Loki, what my relationship was to several other deities . . . it was a long and detailed list of stuff, and it was kind of overwhelming.

Finally it started collapsing. Literally. Some books “fell” over, spilled an offering, and when I burst into tears (it had been a long day, one of many), I realized that this had all been a bunch of illusions that I’d bought into and built up, largely on my own, but with Loki helpfully adding all sorts of details to. I had tried to use divination to verify things, and it kept indicating these things were true.

Some time after that, I went through the list of “Facts” I’d believed, and said, “And this one, this is bullshit, too, I get it now. Oh and this one. AND this one. RIGHT??? Good, I’m glad we have that settled. Now I can focus on the basics and not worry about all this other crap. Excellent.”

I was not interested in going back through all the details to try and sort out which things were true, just not true how I believed them to be, and which were purely for the purpose of creating this overall “truth” I’d bought into, and which might actually have relevance to my life. In part because it seemed like part of the lesson here (besides discernment) was to not try to get too many answers right now, or worry about whether I would HAVE other spirit-jobs besides my marital role – I should just focus on Loki.

In other words, a long, complicated way of showing me what it would be like to HAVE a mess of other responsibilities, and prove to me that really, I would be quite happy with just – “just,” ha – the mortal spouse role.

And I was! I would be. Relationships are no small task!

Besides, I know I have a mundane career to focus on, and that’s important, too, and for some reason I have to learn a whole mess of magic . . .

I felt vaguely uneasy about NOT questioning it all, again, because having been lead through this sort of circular path before, I was paranoid that someday, this would all come back to haunt me with how much real truth was really there.

So, of course, things started happening.

Loki started bringing up same of the same concepts and phrases He’d brought up earlier this spring. I said “Oh stop. If that IS true, it will be OBVIOUS. Please don’t say anything more. I’m not chasing that again. I have learned my lesson!”

Then I saw, with horror, that something I was planning on doing, because it was obvious I needed to do it, looked like it might map to something He’d told me I needed to do that I believed was all part of that ruse. (And as soon as I realized that, I heard Him laughing.)

He told me to start studying something else He’d indicated I needed to learn earlier, and this time it seems legit. It simply may not be for the purposes He originally implied it was for.

I got divination about the magic. I did some myself. I stared at the walls and swore a lot.

So. Like I feared, but kind of hoped it wouldn’t be, it’s another damn circle.

Several, in fact. It looped around in several ways.

I’ve mentioned this teaching technique to some other Lokeans, who have responded with, more or less, “Oh yes, that.”

This one is for You:

[oh gods oh gods the HAIR in that video!]

About Fjothr Lokakvan

More or less Northern Tradition polytheist.
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