A Strange Kind of Rough

Much of the last 4-5 months has been fairly rough on some levels.

I was kind of expecting it: I had a feeling that, once I moved out here, Loki would start pushing me harder. I wasn’t (of course) expecting all the ways in which He DID that, though in retrospect, none of it is really surprising.

Through much of last year, I kept fairly quiet about how He interacted with me, because it didn’t match with a lot of what I saw people reporting, and I figured I’d get mocked for reporting my reality as this: He was always, barring 1 or 2 very odd situations, so serious. And He wasn’t “kicking my ass” in any way. He wasn’t harsh.

Sure, He pushed me to deal with a few significant trust issues that were in the way of our relationship moving forward, and there was another time where He, in coordination with another deity, pushed me, repeatedly, on something until I had a meltdown over the whole situation – but He always seemed regretful about it. He was very comforting while I was dealing with the horribleness. Most of the time, He was serious, and gentle, and very loving.

I knew I had various magic and energy-related things I needed to learn to do, and for various reasons (fear and inertia), I didn’t do much with any of those things. And He didn’t push me on it. Most of the time, His focus seemed to be on understanding things related directly to the relationship. I was also kind of stressed out and focused on packing up my life and moving to the other side of the country, but I figured once I got out here, He might get on my case about how I had been ignoring my studies.

And then He did. Once. And that was quietly terrifying (He was very calm. It was the kind of calm that makes you think you might casually get cut and left to bleed at any moment). So I don’t slack off (much) on those things any more.

But then He started pushing me in more emotional ways. He set up several situations that were very rough for a day or three. And then He brought up some things that had happened while I was with my now ex-husband. At first I kind of had no major reaction to it, but I had a feeling that now that this new concept had been planted in my head, it would work its way in there and start unraveling things, and turn into A Thing, especially if I did some work on it myself.

I wasn’t exactly well-rested when I got out here – the last several years I’d been in Boston were quite bad, although the very last year was significantly better than the previous. After I actually got out to Portland, I started to really feel happy, and well on my way to really getting out of the exhausted, depressed state I’d been in.

Moving, of course, was stressful, in part because I had no job lined up, and after years of doing temp work to survive – well, I figured I could do that here, too . . . but apparently the market has not been that great (and I got no response related to permanent positions I sent resumes to early on; things right now seem to finally be turning around). So I’ve also been reliving some of the previous years of financial-related stress – I am so tired of that, so very, very tired. The only situations Loki’s really had to kind of talk me down from have been related to panicking over my joblessness situation.

I don’t know if it was the ex-husband issue that did it, or any one of the other buttons Loki pushed, or just the combination of button-pushing and ongoing job/money concerns, but at a certain point, for weeks and weeks, it seemed like everywhere I looked, I was tripping over another old fucking hangup, another old fear or insecurity. Breaking down in tears while trying to tell Loki what was on my mind, or while thinking over why something someone said online hit me that hard, because seriously, it wasn’t about me, or because Loki intentionally brought up something in some weird oblique way and suddenly I freaked out.

So that’s been most of my summer.

It’s felt absolutely exhausting and unending. I’ve felt like I wanted a vacation, though how I’d get a vacation from my own mind is a good question.

It’s been really weird, though, because unlike several previous emotionally exhausting years, my underlying mental state has NOT been despair or apathy or quiet frozen panic or barely contained rage – I’ve been happy underneath all the angst and grief and frustration, and despite the occasional uncontrolled freaking out. I’ve also been getting a bit better at not being set off by some of my hot-button issues, or at least not winding myself up when they do get set off.

Partly it’s been my location: I’m finally, after years and years, living in a place I like. I feel joy when I walk outside here and look at the trees, and the glorious clouds, and the way people plant their yards and gardens, and overwhelming gratitude to Loki for helping me get here. I also know, even if the details are screamingly unclear, that I am finally heading in a positive direction career-wise.

And it’s also because even if at times Loki has been colder, or harsher, than I was used to, and sometimes has made me terrified that my actual worst relationship fears were coming true – outside of those events, He’s consistently been the same He was last year: gentle, and loving – if sometimes less serious than He used to be. That was a change I actually wasn’t expecting, but after one particularly intense trial period ended, and we had some in-depth discussions about the relationship, He stopped being All Serious All the Time (He’s still serious most of the time), and let me know He didn’t want me to be quite as reserved with Him, either. Things lightening up has helped, but really it’s just  – I am struck by how intense and good things are with Him, I get a sense of the love He has for me – and I am just undone by it.

It’s made it hard to answer the question, “How are you doing?” because on the one hand I’ve wanted to say “I haven’t felt this awful in AGES and I have no idea when it will end” but on the other hand, I haven’t been this happy in ages, either.


About Fjothr Lokakvan

More or less Northern Tradition polytheist.
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7 Responses to A Strange Kind of Rough

  1. Sulphur Blue says:

    Firstly, please don’t stop talking about him, at least here. I’m still new to your blog but I adore seeing the way you and some others interact with him. You guys are strong in your spirituality and I have a lot of respect for that.

    Secondly-I won’t even START on speculating on how tired you must be after all of this. Poor thing. But please please please. Do yourself a favor, and go out and have a nice dinner somewhere and then come home and light some candles and take a hot bath or something. And next time I see the flame-head I’m gonna jab a finger at him about taking you out for some shoe shopping. Or something. Whatever it is Lokeans like un-stress shopping for. (Whoopie cushions? XD)

    • I feel a lot more secure about talking about the relationship than I did last summer (when the “omg you’re all Hiddles fangirls go away” was at its worst), so my primary hold-up now is my general tendency to avoid publicly talking about emotional things. Well. >.> certain kinds of emotional things. I can write all day about how unhappy I am . . .

      On the whole, things have really been lovely. (Ok sometimes I wish I could send Him outside for a while when He tries to distract me from some of my “homework.”) He’s -tried- to get me to relax, actually. I’ve heard a lot of “You need to relax more.” Sometimes He’s been quite insistent: “You will go have fun tomorrow” . . . I don’t do “fun” but I’ve managed to get myself out of the house to attempt “enjoying myself” at least XD. I’ve also figured out sometimes to ask for a little more from Him, which has been really good – and a number of mundane-world things started happening recently (coincidentally all at once) which have helped me feel like I’m Doing Useful Things with my life. I know I’m still vulnerable to falling apart over a lot of the same things (*cough*job*cough*), and I’m nervous about saying things are finally turning around . . . but it feels like things are actually turning around. The last couple weeks have largely been significantly much better than most of the summer.

      I go to bookstores for “fun”/relaxation shopping. Or the local metaphysical places. Where I (we) can ogle the shiny shiny stones.

      • Sulphur Blue says:

        I empathize deeply. In the past I had my own troubles with community and such-running blogs, and though I don’t have a problem sharing personal things, particularly the gnosis that ties it all together, I’ve had people who’ve said they’re my friends use that information to belittle me later when something I said or did made them angry and they didn’t want to be my friend anymore. There’s something immensely disheartening about your spirituality being used as canon fodder in personal disputes and vendettas, but it’s happened.

        • I’m not surprised. Disappointed, but not surprised.

          I’ve never had any of that directed -at- me, but I saw it come up repeatedly as a general complaint/”comment” in various Loki-friendly FB groups, and other blogs. I knew if I -had- been writing detailed posts about what was going on the first few months, including all my “what is going on, what does this mean” turmoil, I’d have been exactly the kind of obnoxious person they were talking about. (Except for the fandom link, because my interest in Marvel lasted just long enough to drag me thisaway.)

          • Sulphur Blue says:

            See, this furthers my suspicion that Loki was using that as a front to gather folks. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. Lucifer has NOT been shy about saying he’s doing the same thing.

            But yes. I might just be jaded here, but it seems people are so petty that they can’t keep what is close to people’s hearts out of petty arguments that really don’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things. They like to use what is dear to you to hurt you.

            Which just goes to show what sorts of people they are, honestly. Not the type I want to have around at any rate.

  2. Myriad says:

    <3 you know, just a few days ago I talked (whined?) to a friend about how I have found Him to be so. Very. Loving and gentle, whereas so many people seem to emphasise His definitely-not-so-nice sides. It's even made me a bit insecure about the things going on in my relationship with Him… you know, "what if those people are right and I'm just being lured into thinking this is real?", mostly, and other useful questions of that type. Oh, and also: "what if it's not even Him?". Even though I know it’s Him. Yes, I know, silly, stupid, and just so very helpful.

    But the truth is, even though He’s been pushing me to some rough patches (mainly job-related) and made sure I would deal with them, in that uncompromising way He has… He has been just as uncompromising in giving me His love; during the past year or so, I have always, without fail, felt weirdly protected and held.

    I think I understand what you’re saying when you write you’re happy underneath. There’s something bigger than the troubles you (I, we all) have to deal with and the rough patches we have to go through; that thing permeates everything, in a way, and it is good.

    • Yeah, exactly.

      Part of the reason I don’t spend more time talking about the good stuff is that there’s so much sense of “You mustn’t talk about that, you’ll make other people having a hard time (or not getting the attention they want) feel bad, so keep it to yourself.”

      I’ve seen enough other people mention, over the last year, that He very often IS very gentle, or kind, or nurturing, which -seems- to run counter to a lot of His reputation, but, eh. Deities are complex, and different relationships have different needs.

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