Much of the last 4-5 months has been fairly rough on some levels.
I was kind of expecting it: I had a feeling that, once I moved out here, Loki would start pushing me harder. I wasn’t (of course) expecting all the ways in which He DID that, though in retrospect, none of it is really surprising.
Through much of last year, I kept fairly quiet about how He interacted with me, because it didn’t match with a lot of what I saw people reporting, and I figured I’d get mocked for reporting my reality as this: He was always, barring 1 or 2 very odd situations, so serious. And He wasn’t “kicking my ass” in any way. He wasn’t harsh.
Sure, He pushed me to deal with a few significant trust issues that were in the way of our relationship moving forward, and there was another time where He, in coordination with another deity, pushed me, repeatedly, on something until I had a meltdown over the whole situation – but He always seemed regretful about it. He was very comforting while I was dealing with the horribleness. Most of the time, He was serious, and gentle, and very loving.
I knew I had various magic and energy-related things I needed to learn to do, and for various reasons (fear and inertia), I didn’t do much with any of those things. And He didn’t push me on it. Most of the time, His focus seemed to be on understanding things related directly to the relationship. I was also kind of stressed out and focused on packing up my life and moving to the other side of the country, but I figured once I got out here, He might get on my case about how I had been ignoring my studies.
And then He did. Once. And that was quietly terrifying (He was very calm. It was the kind of calm that makes you think you might casually get cut and left to bleed at any moment). So I don’t slack off (much) on those things any more.
But then He started pushing me in more emotional ways. He set up several situations that were very rough for a day or three. And then He brought up some things that had happened while I was with my now ex-husband. At first I kind of had no major reaction to it, but I had a feeling that now that this new concept had been planted in my head, it would work its way in there and start unraveling things, and turn into A Thing, especially if I did some work on it myself.
I wasn’t exactly well-rested when I got out here – the last several years I’d been in Boston were quite bad, although the very last year was significantly better than the previous. After I actually got out to Portland, I started to really feel happy, and well on my way to really getting out of the exhausted, depressed state I’d been in.
Moving, of course, was stressful, in part because I had no job lined up, and after years of doing temp work to survive – well, I figured I could do that here, too . . . but apparently the market has not been that great (and I got no response related to permanent positions I sent resumes to early on; things right now seem to finally be turning around). So I’ve also been reliving some of the previous years of financial-related stress – I am so tired of that, so very, very tired. The only situations Loki’s really had to kind of talk me down from have been related to panicking over my joblessness situation.
I don’t know if it was the ex-husband issue that did it, or any one of the other buttons Loki pushed, or just the combination of button-pushing and ongoing job/money concerns, but at a certain point, for weeks and weeks, it seemed like everywhere I looked, I was tripping over another old fucking hangup, another old fear or insecurity. Breaking down in tears while trying to tell Loki what was on my mind, or while thinking over why something someone said online hit me that hard, because seriously, it wasn’t about me, or because Loki intentionally brought up something in some weird oblique way and suddenly I freaked out.
So that’s been most of my summer.
It’s felt absolutely exhausting and unending. I’ve felt like I wanted a vacation, though how I’d get a vacation from my own mind is a good question.
It’s been really weird, though, because unlike several previous emotionally exhausting years, my underlying mental state has NOT been despair or apathy or quiet frozen panic or barely contained rage – I’ve been happy underneath all the angst and grief and frustration, and despite the occasional uncontrolled freaking out. I’ve also been getting a bit better at not being set off by some of my hot-button issues, or at least not winding myself up when they do get set off.
Partly it’s been my location: I’m finally, after years and years, living in a place I like. I feel joy when I walk outside here and look at the trees, and the glorious clouds, and the way people plant their yards and gardens, and overwhelming gratitude to Loki for helping me get here. I also know, even if the details are screamingly unclear, that I am finally heading in a positive direction career-wise.
And it’s also because even if at times Loki has been colder, or harsher, than I was used to, and sometimes has made me terrified that my actual worst relationship fears were coming true – outside of those events, He’s consistently been the same He was last year: gentle, and loving – if sometimes less serious than He used to be. That was a change I actually wasn’t expecting, but after one particularly intense trial period ended, and we had some in-depth discussions about the relationship, He stopped being All Serious All the Time (He’s still serious most of the time), and let me know He didn’t want me to be quite as reserved with Him, either. Things lightening up has helped, but really it’s just – I am struck by how intense and good things are with Him, I get a sense of the love He has for me – and I am just undone by it.
It’s made it hard to answer the question, “How are you doing?” because on the one hand I’ve wanted to say “I haven’t felt this awful in AGES and I have no idea when it will end” but on the other hand, I haven’t been this happy in ages, either.