I am not always very patient, and I feel frustrated a lot these days by my inability to make progress with things. Some of it is the very normal-to-me frustration of having a day job at which I often have a lot of idle time, because there literally isn’t work to be done, and I would like to use my time productively, rather than reading blog posts, or FB updates, or staring idly out the window – but all the things I might do if I say, worked at home and had stretches of workfree time, I can’t do while I am here at work (tidy up all the very very low priority piles that need tidying, bake, maybe do some craft projects, nap, take long walks, etc.). I can also get caught up on FB, and my WordPress feed, AND a couple of normal news sites, in a fairly short amount of time, so that is not as good a time-filler as one might expect (it also gets tiring, just reading all day, and I’m not enough of a masochist to go back to my dozen-political-blogs-a-day habit).
Adding to my frustration right now (and for some time) is this sense that there are important Things I need to learn and do . . . and I can’t work on them here and now, and that means I only have a small amount of time every day after work, when I am most likely to be tired and want to NOT do anything seriously intellectually or spiritually involved.
I also know these Things cannot be rushed, and a lot of it will come on the schedules of other People, but I still feel frustrated. Like, there are things I -could- be doing, but I am being held back.
It does not help that several of Them have told me I need to “focus” on spiritual stuff, and simultaneously, some of Them have told me I am working too hard (which I think was a roundabout way of telling me I need to figure out more restorative restorative things, that what I try to do to relax isn’t quite as good as I need), and some of Them, when I’ve gotten excited about pursuing certain topics, to s l o w d o w n. So. I am both supposed to focus and not fuck around too much, and yet . . . I am supposed to be waiting and not working too hard. Deity logic.
How am I supposed to be taking this seriously, and “focusing,” when I can’t go DO things? Or find out what those things even ARE? (What the fuck am I supposed to do with my idle time at work?)
I do have things to do multiple evenings a week that are apparently in service of the Bigger Picture. At this point, however, most of it falls into the “I have no idea how I’m going to use this, but I have to practice anyway,” except for my rune studies, because at least understanding the runes better has obvious and often fairly immediate payoff.
This is the strangest application of the meaning of “focus” I think I’ve ever run across.
I’m also feeling very weird about one particular area of focus, which is the river.
I have several altars to Norse deities Who are little-known in history, and not particularly well-known by modern worshipers – but at least there are some things written about Them, though it may have little to do with Their reasons for being present in my life.
The river . . . I don’t have anything like that to act as the most trivial form of comfort, that reassuring “oh other people interact with this being, here is what they have to say.”
I have interacted with several other land spirits (for lack of better terms) without feeling the same sort of nervousness. Perhaps because none of them ever asked for a shrine, and for tending of that shrine, on the same level as the river has asked – and it isn’t a massive thing, it is the same as what some of the Norse deities want. But it seems like Her role in my life is going to be more significant than that of many of the Norse deities.
She told me Her daughter will have a shrine, too, details to be forthcoming. (This is not terribly surprising; I met Her daughter once, and agreed to something significant regarding Her. It’s actually felt a little strange to have NOT had anything for Her daughter.)
When Loki first manifested, I read EVERYTHING I could find on Him written by modern worshipers, and some scholarly things, too. I read lots and lots of blogs and articles written by a wide range of people about being a spouse/consort of a deity, when it seemed like that would be relevant to my life, because I desperately wanted to know what to expect, how to understand this thing, potential pitfalls and frustrations and etc.
And now I – I not only don’t have a manual, I barely even know what to look for. I know I have sufficient foundational skills to get started with whatever this is (or I wouldn’t be doing it, right?), but I am completely unused to not having even a sketchy sort of “manual.”
I asked the river via divination to tell me a bit more about Her expectations for our relationship; part of the answer was that my responsibility is . . . to focus. (On Her, specifically. Further details to come. That I did not screech and want to throw something is a sign that I have gotten pretty used to this kind of communication.)
TPTB have been pushing me over the past few months – some more bluntly than others (looking at you, runes) – to trust my instincts more, listen to my heart, go with what I get directly rather than coming back to divination to verify what I heard was what I thought I heard, and I know, I know, I K N O W, that this is all part of the deal, this is something you just have to deal with, learn on your own, learn from Them, what They want with you, not what They want with other people in other times and places, etc., etc., etc., ad fucking nauseum, but as much as I am all for improvisation and doing whatever works with whatever you’ve got on hand, I am also very much for doing some kind of research about the thing you’re doing . . . and I not only got nothin’, I’m beginning to think I’d be forbidden to access it if I happened across sources.
It is very strange to have a deity around Who I don’t have the slightest bit of a pre-existing dossier on.