Rethinking/redefining goals

I think I’ve complained here about feeling frustrated by not having clear goals, either in terms of where this whole spirit business is going or the mundane career piece of that. Gods know I’ve complained about it plenty of other times and places.

I’ve also felt vaguely unsettled for several months because one chunk of that spirit business, the whole “queen” thing, has seemed to be really, really quiet.

I’m not used to how spirits run things in the educational sense:

Spirits: *pester me for months/years*
Me: Okay OKAY O K A Y I admit the thing is a thing! I’ll do the thing! It sounds great!!
Spirits (for like, a month): *INTENSITY INTENSIFIES*

Two weeks later . . .

Me: Hello? . . . Is this thing on? . . . Okay, I guess I’ll um, do something else. Like this other thing Y’all are waving at me. Or rest. That sounds nice, too. (But isn’t the thing important? Shouldn’t I be like, learning something? . . . No?)

Several months later (eliding all the inner turmoil and misc. tasks They drag up in the meantime). . .

Me: Um . . . so . . . ? I thought it was IMPORTANT!!!!! ? Are we DOING THE THING or wHAT?? Lesson plan? Hello??
Them: Sssh. Rest. :)

SO anyway. After so many years in modern schooling, this is disconcerting.

I got to thinking, “Maybe They were only using that term to get my attention. I don’t have any fucking clue what it really means, so perhaps it was just a useful way to impress upon me that something was going on, and it was important.”

Eventually this bugged me enough I got my cards out, and I asked, and the answer was – well, one of the Queens in the deck fell out, ha ha, and my reading of it did seem to point to yes, this IS a real title, and there is actual meaning to it, and associated actions/ways of acting/stuff. There were a lot of “nurturing” associated terms and concepts that came up.

Not that I understand what it means/will mean in practice yet, but okay, I guess there was something more there than just a way to convince me to pay attention.

Then, since I had the cards out, I asked another question that has been bugging me for months. Why me; why this. I’d been avoiding asking because I wasn’t sure I’d get an answer. Or I’d get some super-vague hand-wavey It Is All Part of The Plan, Sshhh No More Questions kind of response. And really how important is it to know why you end up getting certain tasks or roles or whatever?

But I had the cards out, and it was bugging me (like, did Someone set me up for this? what gives), so I asked.

I laid out 3 cards, which has become my default these days, but I felt like I needed to pull one more – and it was The Fool, which in this deck (the Wooden Tarot) is a cute, smiling little mouse walking along the back of a snake, with the sun behind the mouse (or perhaps attached to the end of the little stick the mouse has), and as soon as I saw it, the answer started coming, and it was a little hard to take.

“You chose this before you were born” was how it started, and then I got things about hope, and desires to make a positive difference, and – and it went on like that for a while – and that was also really hard to take, and I don’t really know why. I don’t know why it hurt to hear something positive like that. (The other cards were less potent and also a little less clear, though from some of them I got the sense that another part of the “why” had to do with various kinds of assistance I’ve had. )

So.

That happened.

I still feel a bit like I was hit with the emotional equivalent of a small truck. (I thought it would be a simple question and answer, right?)

Several times in the last couple years I’ve come close to writing up a post half-serious, half-snarky, pointing out how I could easily, and honestly, summarize my not-exactly-light-and-easy spiritual paths as a “love and light” kind of deal (with both my relationship with Loki and the relationships with the land, there’s a very major emphasis on “love;” the “light” part of that is more about the healing thing I’m trying to aim for, but anyway) and how that isn’t silly or fluffy or vapid . . . at any rate, I thought it would have been amusing. (Yeah. Who’s laughing now? This suddenly, somehow, got more serious than I thought it was. “Love and light,” ha ha, I should stop making jokes; they turn out true.)

I still don’t know what specific tasks I am going to be asked to accomplish, or how – no one’s shown up and said I need to build a temple, or go save this specific wetland/forest/whatever, or do X Y Z for this one spirit. And I don’t have any idea if part of this choice ever included specific goals for that matter, or I just said “let’s do the thing!” without having those specifics. (Please don’t tell me I did that, that doesn’t sound like me. Too impulsive.)

But I have realized since then that this does give me goals of a different kind. Maybe more like a “vision statement” or “mission statement” kind of thing – ways of acting – instead of a concrete kind of task-oriented thing, but it is something to strive for, something I can know, or not know, if I am doing. And it’s mine.

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About Fjothr Lokakvan

More or less Northern Tradition polytheist.
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2 Responses to Rethinking/redefining goals

  1. I am sure it has something to do with quaintum inter-connectivity and Lorenz attractors and other scientific theorems that occultists have appropriated and twisted completely beyond all plausible semblance.

    Pick up first the blue marble you see, leave it two feet past the next bridge pillar you come across and you have just triggered a mass genocide half a parsec to the SSE of Antares as well as two minor hurricanes in Bolivia and Nepal

    Frightening isn’t it?

    And while the research some of the powers may have you doing may not seem all that important the next person who talks to the Undines and gets a lecture on how water tables work is going to be gosh darn impressed.

    Seriously I have seen evidence that the powers are picking our brains and relaying the information to the next people they talk with.

    In the end we really don’t have much clue as to what these beings are, everything we do for and with them has the value of X and we may never get to see what X really is.

    • I had a dream, or something, last week from which I woke thinking/half-dreaming about how They put people into the right place at the right time. Which is something I’ve heard repeatedly, but this dream came up after I read a really great article about a guy planting trees because of a vision he’d had. And I’ve had a few instances where it really felt like I was DEFINITELY in the right place at the right time to give someone else a little positive boost, just through doing things I would have ordinarily. And okay, that’s cool, I don’t mind being “used” like that. (I suspect I’ve also been “used” to set people off in less-good ways sometimes – and been on the set off side of similar situations.)

      The notion that They’re using us like we use Wikipedia is both hilarious and terrifying, but I suppose it would help with the whole “near omniscient” thing. XD

      The eco-writing at least I can see several benefits from: I’m getting more education than I’d be otherwise, which I expect will serve me well if/when this fabled “landscape” career takes off – plus I’ve had other people say they appreciate the writing. Whatever ELSE it’s being used for . . . I don’t even know, other than I get EXCITEMENT vibes about soil ecology pretty often (I think that’s Nidhogg), and I wouldn’t be surprised if They’re using it in other ways. It helped prompt me to start writing on Gods and Radicals, PLUS I had a dream that aided in that, so – I think They’re up to something, and it’s probably more than just giving me an outlet for writing, and a sympathetic “community” of other writers.

      But it’s really some of the other more esoteric things They direct me to from time to time where I have no idea what the long-term intent/utility is. Or if these things are all parts of one big “project” or they are separate projects with different goals. I know that the Norse bunch are working with some of the Local bunch, and some of each of those groups have had a hand in getting me into the -plant- weirdness (and -that- seems to have turned into two different sets of weirdness, or at least it might be two completely different things – one of the plant groups has basically refused to tell me what Their goals are) . . . but I don’t know if all those different groups are working to the same general goal or whether They’ve got different agendas that simply don’t conflict.

      Maybe in 5 years I’ll have enough pieces to know if I’ve got ONE puzzle, or 20, and what the picture kinda sorta looks like.

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