I think I’ve complained here about feeling frustrated by not having clear goals, either in terms of where this whole spirit business is going or the mundane career piece of that. Gods know I’ve complained about it plenty of other times and places.
I’ve also felt vaguely unsettled for several months because one chunk of that spirit business, the whole “queen” thing, has seemed to be really, really quiet.
I’m not used to how spirits run things in the educational sense:
Spirits: *pester me for months/years*
Me: Okay OKAY O K A Y I admit the thing is a thing! I’ll do the thing! It sounds great!!
Spirits (for like, a month): *INTENSITY INTENSIFIES*
Two weeks later . . .
Me: Hello? . . . Is this thing on? . . . Okay, I guess I’ll um, do something else. Like this other thing Y’all are waving at me. Or rest. That sounds nice, too. (But isn’t the thing important? Shouldn’t I be like, learning something? . . . No?)
Several months later (eliding all the inner turmoil and misc. tasks They drag up in the meantime). . .
Me: Um . . . so . . . ? I thought it was IMPORTANT!!!!! ? Are we DOING THE THING or wHAT?? Lesson plan? Hello??
Them: Sssh. Rest. :)
SO anyway. After so many years in modern schooling, this is disconcerting.
I got to thinking, “Maybe They were only using that term to get my attention. I don’t have any fucking clue what it really means, so perhaps it was just a useful way to impress upon me that something was going on, and it was important.”
Eventually this bugged me enough I got my cards out, and I asked, and the answer was – well, one of the Queens in the deck fell out, ha ha, and my reading of it did seem to point to yes, this IS a real title, and there is actual meaning to it, and associated actions/ways of acting/stuff. There were a lot of “nurturing” associated terms and concepts that came up.
Not that I understand what it means/will mean in practice yet, but okay, I guess there was something more there than just a way to convince me to pay attention.
Then, since I had the cards out, I asked another question that has been bugging me for months. Why me; why this. I’d been avoiding asking because I wasn’t sure I’d get an answer. Or I’d get some super-vague hand-wavey It Is All Part of The Plan, Sshhh No More Questions kind of response. And really how important is it to know why you end up getting certain tasks or roles or whatever?
But I had the cards out, and it was bugging me (like, did Someone set me up for this? what gives), so I asked.
I laid out 3 cards, which has become my default these days, but I felt like I needed to pull one more – and it was The Fool, which in this deck (the Wooden Tarot) is a cute, smiling little mouse walking along the back of a snake, with the sun behind the mouse (or perhaps attached to the end of the little stick the mouse has), and as soon as I saw it, the answer started coming, and it was a little hard to take.
“You chose this before you were born” was how it started, and then I got things about hope, and desires to make a positive difference, and – and it went on like that for a while – and that was also really hard to take, and I don’t really know why. I don’t know why it hurt to hear something positive like that. (The other cards were less potent and also a little less clear, though from some of them I got the sense that another part of the “why” had to do with various kinds of assistance I’ve had. )
I still feel a bit like I was hit with the emotional equivalent of a small truck. (I thought it would be a simple question and answer, right?)
Several times in the last couple years I’ve come close to writing up a post half-serious, half-snarky, pointing out how I could easily, and honestly, summarize my not-exactly-light-and-easy spiritual paths as a “love and light” kind of deal (with both my relationship with Loki and the relationships with the land, there’s a very major emphasis on “love;” the “light” part of that is more about the healing thing I’m trying to aim for, but anyway) and how that isn’t silly or fluffy or vapid . . . at any rate, I thought it would have been amusing. (Yeah. Who’s laughing now? This suddenly, somehow, got more serious than I thought it was. “Love and light,” ha ha, I should stop making jokes; they turn out true.)
I still don’t know what specific tasks I am going to be asked to accomplish, or how – no one’s shown up and said I need to build a temple, or go save this specific wetland/forest/whatever, or do X Y Z for this one spirit. And I don’t have any idea if part of this choice ever included specific goals for that matter, or I just said “let’s do the thing!” without having those specifics. (Please don’t tell me I did that, that doesn’t sound like me. Too impulsive.)
But I have realized since then that this does give me goals of a different kind. Maybe more like a “vision statement” or “mission statement” kind of thing – ways of acting – instead of a concrete kind of task-oriented thing, but it is something to strive for, something I can know, or not know, if I am doing. And it’s mine.