A path chosen

Or maybe “chosen,” because I have lingering questions about that (which may never be answered to my satisfaction; such is life).

Over a year ago, in late summer, Loki woke me up in the middle of the night and stated that the time had come for me to make a choice. He gave no details, just that statement.

Without pausing to ask for details – because it was the middle of the night and I was barely conscious, and because I often react first and think later – I immediately panicked and made statements about how “I’m not giving up [redacted]!”

And as I made my statements about that, I was terrified that what was going to happen next was that He was going to explain what the choice was about, and no matter what I had just said, something would come up explaining how, well, maybe there was something else that I really had to make higher priority, and . . . I would have to choose whatever that alternative was.

But He responded by saying, “So! You’ve chosen the Path of the [Title/Archetype/whatever]!” . . . which aligned well with what I’d said I’d refused to give up, but I found horrifying for other reasons. I thought there’d be more before I got to make the choice! That was it?!

I asked Him what about my “job,” what about all that “queenship” stuff?? What did this imply for that??? Can’t I do both?!?

He didn’t say anything more. He just gave me a not very reassuring kind of calculating smile, like I had neatly walked into some kind of trap, or like He was just waiting for me to look around and understand the situation properly.

So that haunted me for months.

I wasn’t going to go back on what I’d said, but I worried what the implications were. I think I might have tried to do some further divination on the matter, once or twice, and didn’t get any clarity, and mostly I figured well, what’s done is done, I’ll just have to wait and see how this turns out. See if more information comes my way on what that means. Shit. I wonder what I accidentally walked away from.

During the last few months, the not-knowing and the unease I was feeling started to get to me to the point I was thinking I really really ought to contact a diviner to ask about it all.

There’d been a few things, somewhat minor, over the months that made me wonder if there really was more to this, and then something I read in a book that was unquestionably related left me sitting on the floor bawling, and I thought, “Oh shit,” because that was a pretty extreme reaction to a very short passage of text.

Then a few more things came to pass and it became quite clear that whatever it really means to have “chosen” this path, it is, in fact, an important part of my “job.” It may not be the whole thing, but it is not a separate thing.

How it’s all going to shape up over time, and what it means to be on this path (if I really am; if that wasn’t just some clever word choice on Loki’s part for theatrical/psychological reasons), I don’t know.

I also wonder if there really was a choice, or He just woke me up like that to make some points, start things moving related to that topic . . . and did it while I’d be in a muddled state so I would understand how I react, pretty much instinctively, if certain fears get tripped.

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About Fjothr Lokakvan

More or less Northern Tradition polytheist.
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