I had some intense, Loki-flavored/influenced dreams two nights ago, and woke up from them to notice He was quite strongly present. After a while, I got to thinking about some of the things I’ve been noticing more strongly recently: that I feel way more insecure with Him (and the Others) than I have with any mortal SO, and also that in certain contexts, I always interact with Them with a feeling of fear in the background (in addition to the “am I doing everything ok” insecurities; I do not remember having near-constant worries about my human relationships like this! and I trust gods to tell me if something’s wrong much more than I trust humans to be upfront with it).
It’s that fear, though, that’s the worst. It’s subtle, I don’t even know that it gets much in the way of action, but it’s always just there – at least in any context where there is the least hint of sexual energy in the mix.
So I was lying there in the dark mulling this over, thinking how in one of the dreams, I was simply nothing but happy to feel wanted like that. It’s still nice to feel wanted while I’m awake and normally conscious – but it’s always accompanied by that background fear, because there were too many times where being wanted (by someone who I had a basic underlying interest in) lead to bad results, and I never knew when it would turn into that kind of situation, and so every time now, it is a worry.
It struck me just the right way to make me cry for a while, and then I got back to sleep for a few more hours.
I’ve kind of felt crappy since then (though for much of yesterday, I felt He was regarding/”holding” me in some particular tender way, which was really lovely), but 1. I was up past midnight on Sunday (for good fun reasons!) which set my sleep for the week back and 2. it has been grey and rainy for
FOREVER over two weeks, and I need sunlight, so there are multiple causes already, but I suspect that having that old injury re-opened and re-examined, even in what felt like a very small way, is part of it. I’ve never not felt awful for a while after previous such operations.
There was this quote at the very top of my Tumblr dashboard when I got up yesterday morning; it felt like a continuation of the “conversation” from 3 a.m.:
There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn’t matter anymore.- Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls (via wordsnquotes)