Advancement (or something) means a new discomfort zone

For the past few years I’ve been eager, and anxious, and impatient to see some kind of “progress” with different aspects of my spiritual path. Maybe I should say “paths,” plural, because I don’t know if the various “roles” I seem to be filling/learning about/whatever, I don’t know, it’s a mystery are really all part of one big thing, or if they truly are separate things related to separate parts of my life, or separate “groups” of spirits.

Periodically there have been big bursts of Stuff happening that seem like more information about what it is, but not so much about what I should be doing . . . When I’ve gone to divination to get more insight, I have usually gotten some, but almost always it comes with a message or two that says “more will be revealed” and “just wait” and “that’s all for now.”

I don’t do real well with that kind of thing, but I have gotten used to it. Another thing I’ve finally gotten used to – though it’s taken a couple years! – has been how the gods (and other spirits) have indicated They prefer a pretty casual, informal way of relating. No need for big rituals . . . or any rituals . . . no, don’t bother making an offering, I’m just here to give you some advice!

Since earlier this year, when some career-shaped things did not go as I believed they would, I’ve found myself unwilling to ask seriously about timelines any more, at least on that topic. Since starting a permaculture course, I have regained some hope things will work out, and might even work out in the next year, but I can’t bring myself to throw runes or ask for a sign.

Progress in understanding most of the separate paths/roles I’ve been working on has been so slow and sporadic over the past years that I think I’d maybe expected that to keep on being the way of things.

But suddenly, it is not, at least with one category of spiritual stuff: the plant stuff. Or at least some of the plant stuff; I am not sure there is just one “plant stuff” category, but I am also not sure there’s more than one, either.

I had a totally unexpected, and extremely strong, healing interaction with a plant at the beginning of the month, which came just a couple days after realizing there is something pretty major I need to do related to plants. And I’ve started it, but it’s not ready for public announcement yet, though I am SO EXCITED I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT’S SO GREAT. But it’s not ready.

And so this was/is a big thing! And I expected to be talking to TPTB more about it! Because They are totally into me doing the thing!

And so I was not expecting Them to bring up some other big things on top of that!!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *panic*

Yeah, Plantkind wants more from me than “just” the not-ready-for-announcement thing.

I was already struggling a little with my role in dealing with “secret” project, because uhhhh it involves other people, too, right? And um. Yeah. Community stuff + me = hahaha You’re kidding right? Wrong.

Now They’ve indicated other things They want from me, and I /love/ plants and I want them (and Them) to be /happy/ and well-treated and and AAAAAAAAAA but but why do You have to use that term to categorize it? I don’t know that I’ve ever wanted to be considered a “priestess,” but. That’s the word that came up.

Here are some of my struggles with the term: kinda maybe probably implies some more public stuff than I am used to and/or comfortable with. I’ve got 4.5 years of dealing-with-spirits experience, virtually none of it in any kind of human community-facing way. Who the hell am I to do that? (Obvious answer: I’m who They asked. *facepalm*) I don’t know how much actual public work there will be but there’s one of my fears.

It also just doesn’t fit well with my own self-image, my own thoughts about who I am and what it is that I do. I suspect some of this is lingering atheist baggage, but it’s also about the patterns of my spiritual life so far, too, and the expectations I’d created about that pattern continuing. (I see you out there, shaking your head, “Oh, you should not have expectations like that.” I know. And yet.)

And and and it seems probably more formal, at least some of the time, than what I’d (finally) gotten used to as The Way Things Are. (So I am mildly outraged; some of Them made such a point of encouraging “informal,” and now we’re going to this?!)

Then there’s some weird mystical emotional aspects to it. I have some intense relationships with some individual gods and other spirits. I also have some similarly intense feelings towards the land, but it’s only reciprocated via individual trees and other spirits that inhabit rocks and things, not “the land” as a whole (or even in part).

I have a similar kind of “big picture” love for the plants, and it’s most similar to my love for the land in not being about individuals but an entire collective. I have some relationships with individual plant Powers, but They aren’t the ones talking to me about these exciting new jobs-and-projects; I’m being approached by “collectives,” for the most part. (Which seems appropriate, given how plants grow and exist.)

It’s weird having really strong mystical feelings for things-that-aren’t-individuals – and it’s different in getting that reciprocated in various ways. It’s not like my spirit-marriages, but it’s still affection and “We will help you, too!” and kiiiiinda feels kindasorta similar to the marriages in some ways? because I feel like I’m getting swept up in, or am on the verge of getting swept up in, and subsumed in, Intense Mystical Feelings and “of /course/ I want to be with You,” and this time that’s /weird/ because I’m not interacting with a single individual. Or even 2 or 3 different individuals.

I’ve always found it kind of terrifying feeling myself on the verge of giving in to whatever, wherever, those feelings take me, but at least in the past, it was with Powers with, er, individual personalities and “faces” and I had some sense of Who They are. I love plants, but the individual plant Powers I’ve interacted with have tended to feel weird and alien in ways that most of the gods don’t (and They may be arguably “alien” in ways the plants are not! the plants don’t always seem as interested in putting on a human “mask” as gods tend to be).

I’ve had some lengthy, stressy dreams about some of this, too, that tell me part of me is really distressed about taking on responsibility. I imagine this fear will fade once I actually figure out how to do some of the “job duties” They told me They want, though I’ll probably be grappling to accept the job title for a while longer.

These things aren’t 100% surprises. There have been hints going back 3+ years, some more blatant than others, and some of the plant stuff has definitely intensified in the last 12-14 months (I got really into orchids starting about a year ago? and I know the Plants are behind that somehow but I’m not sure why). I can understand why They wouldn’t have told me sooner any specifics: I was definitely not up for human-community stuff until late this summer, and I’ve said many times I didn’t really want a major community kind of role and would in fact FIGHT EVERYONE if They said that’s what They wanted. But, well, here I am, not fighting, just mildly despairing of being capable.

But hey, They seem cool with that; They told me through divination that I’d experience problems and set backs (not quite “you’re gonna fuck up” but I figure that’s part of the message) and it would be okay.

I know there’s more to come, and I have such mixed feelings about it. Need to know more to do things as best I can; am afraid there’s gonna be another “big” reveal.

I know I’ll calm down some once I have real understanding of how this is all going to work out in practice, but I don’t have that yet, so I get to chew on it all anxiously for a while longer.

I’ve read many warnings about how you shouldn’t ask TPTB “when is this stuff going to HAPPEN??” because that might encourage Them to throw you in the deep end, but, well, I’ve steadily ignored all those warnings, and despite feeling angst about having some Stuff Happening (FINALLY), I will undoubtedly continue to ignore those warnings. I’d rather know, and have things to do, than feel vaguely, comfortably lost.

Anyway. Here’s a picture of some of my orchids; the bloom in front is from the orchid that kind got me understanding I have an orchid thing, though it’s not my first orchid:

Orchids

Foreground: Phalaenopsis flower; background: Dendrobiums (one in bloom), oncidium hybrid, and another phal.

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About Fjothr Lokakvan

More or less Northern Tradition polytheist.
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