Slowly, slowly, the egg will walk

A friend of mine passed on that proverb to me years ago and it’s really stuck with me.

I was griping (again; but when do I stop) recently to Loki about still not being quite where I want to be, and He reminded me that “Starting over takes time,” which, yeah. Necessary reminder.

And it’s not nearly as frustrating a not-quite-right as where I used to be.

My current job (new since this spring) pays me significantly less than I’m used to, there are 0 (zero) benefits, the boss can be a real jerk sometimes, which has been bad for trauma-related anxiety, and some of my job duties are things I have always always hated to do.

On the other hand, the hated duties are a pretty small part of my job, and I also spend a lot of time with plants, working with people who are freaks about plants, and helping customers find plants or get information they need. About plants.

And I’m living in the high desert now.

I have barely seen it outside the city, because I don’t have a car and my finances have me uneasy about spending money on rentals for day trips, but I’m here, and it feels relaxing in a way I’m not used to. It’s good to be in the right place, even if it’s still not-quite-right by some very small amount.

I don’t like some of the responsibilities I have at work, mostly related to the most-hated duties, but also, I think I am still not fully recovered from my last job (which I quit 18 months ago, and felt mostly recovered from after a year away). The pleasant job duties are soothing, they don’t require the same kind of focus/energy/something. Mostly I am not accountable to anyone for getting them done! Fill out the watering log, that’s it, but there’s no risk of conflict in getting the watering done, or organizing a table of plants, and there’s no stupid deadlines to deal with, either.

Other than that, I am in much better shape than I have been in many years. I’ve got a 3.5 mile bike ride to work – which nearly killed me the first couple days, because I was horribly out of shape – and a job with a good balance of sitting down and active work, and despite the problems with the job, I enjoy so much about it (mostly: plants plants plants and did I mention – plants?!) that I feel mostly pretty good. It’s astonishing. I’ve baked things again! Several times!! I lost the wherewithal to manage baking, even simple things, maybe a year into my last job.

I am looking for other work already. I want more. Even if the boss was wonderful and the compensation amazing, it is still too limited in certain ways, too small-scale – and, also, a couple months ago, not long after I started, They pretty clearly told me I wasn’t going to be in this position for very long, and now feels like a good time to start looking for better opportunities.

Of course I’ve been eager to move on already for at least a month now, because, look, if that’s how it is, let’s GO so I can get away from the crappy bits! (I hate making decisions and then having to wait to start implementing them.)

It’s been a bit of a struggle to keep myself from getting anxious over the “when” and “where” and etc. and keep my attention on the nice things instead, so the reminder that “starting over takes time” was a good one.

I realized today that if I think about where I am now as something like “first job out of college” that makes it feel more tolerable, since the last 4-5 years were pretty much clearing up the rubble from wiping out my previous life and building up some new foundational knowledge. (Technically, I “started over” about 5 years ago, but I’ve spent 5 years gnashing my teeth over that and I don’t think I’ll benefit from screaming about it much any more.)

One of my biggest disappointments has been the lack of time I’ve had outside of the city. I moved here for the land, not the city, where I have to live because transportation.

I drove across the state early this summer to visit family, and squeezed in a few short hikes/visits in a couple favorite spots along the way, but that’s been it for my “outside with the land” time. Those allowed for a few, too-brief, visits with some of the Powers out here Who’ve been part of the reason I’m here now, and an introduction to some others. Briefly, too briefly.

It never feels like enough. Almost all my visits with Them have been while passing through to another place, all like stolen moments, and one of Them is quite tied to a particular place, so time with Him is only when I can be there and it’s always hard when you can’t be with those you love.

I’ve had some spooky close encounters in the city, though, through some of the wonderful insects and arachnids that inhabit this place. I see a LOT of insects at work, and there’ve been some cool critters at home, too. I’ve missed living in a place with the kind of rich invertebrate life there is here. (There is also larger wildlife here in the city: deer, and they’re lovely – but they’ve browsed some of my plants, sigh, though at least not very much.) Feeling like there’s Presence around with/through the wasps and solifugids and others was very unexpected but really wonderful. A welcome gift.

Another of the reasons I am really eager to get a better-paying job is so that I can buy a vehicle and gtfo of the city way more often and spend quality time with the land, especially in some more remote places where the roads are poor, and get more time with the Them I know and miss and all the many other Thems I haven’t met yet.

My overall spiritual practice pretty much went away after I quit my last job (other than my regular schedule with Loki and Skadi), and I haven’t really picked it up again. I’m not studying anything new. The tarot decks are all dusty. It’s a little odd for things to be like this, but I don’t miss the daily divination routine, and I definitely don’t miss being upset enough all the time to be bugging Them for help. I’ve had a fair few questions about spiritual things, and life things, since I moved here, but mostly I’ve been relaxed enough that it’s been okay to let that all be quiet, and the new spirits and gods and so on aren’t so up in my face that I’ve got to spend lots of time with the cards figuring out What the fuck is going on this time, Where are You taking me, WHY.

I don’t know think this counts as a “fallow time” but instead this kind of plateau just means I’ve found a nice steady pace, that the overall relationship I have with whatever-the-fuck-this-is that is my spiritual life is in something like an “old married couple” stage.

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About Fjothr Lokakvan

More or less Northern Tradition polytheist.
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